Confirming with my soul.

Monday, May 4th, 2026.

cherry blossoms last year, 04 May 2025.

11:03pm This time last year, I had gone outside to see the Star Wars films at the Fox Theatre in The Beach/es. I stopped along the way, getting off the streetcar, to take photos of the cherry blossoms in bloom at Trinity-Bellwoods Park. I had been outside not long before that on LV-426 Day to see 'Alien' and 'Aliens' at the Revue Cinema in a nearby neighbourhood to where I live. That was two days of being outside in a short span of time. I had hoped it meant that I'd be getting back out into the world regularly - or at least more often - but it didn't turn out that way. This year, I had tickets to go see Aliens again but I couldn't calm myself enough - I was dressed and ready but I just couldn't do it. But the blooms are happening and this is peak season for the cherry blossoms and I hope I go out there this week - soon, before the petals are on the ground - though there is a certain sad beauty in that too.

04 May 2025.

cherry blossoms at Trinity-Bellwoods Park, 04 May 2025.

I took a look at what I had last written in my journal document and it was January of this year. A month after that and we had been in contact again and then it ended again, only this time, the hurt was inflicted on 'Dad's declared dead Day' and that's not a day to mess with my heart and so, that was that. This time around, I spoke up (the lemon video on the gaming channel) and then I went through some of the emotions that one feels at the end of something, despite it just being the continuation of a pattern that had been ongoing for almost a year - and then something unexpected happened. I wasn't alone this time as I went through it. People in the community were there, playing the game ('ARC Raiders' mostly) and before I knew it, I was actually laughing again. I smiled until my face hurt and all of this was natural, induced by the joy of someone being present and funny and so it went. It turned into this thing where we said we were JUST FRIENDS and that carried on for some time. We watched movies together and I hadn't felt so happy as that in such a long time. I was astounded how much time he gave of himself and admittedly, I'm not used to that. He makes it look so easy. Feelings intensified.

And then my ex returns with a Checking In email. The cycle could have continued. I heard him out in a PSN party chat call. I took notes for myself to relay to my therapist. I want to know why I allowed myself to be in that pattern for so long. The thing was, it was during my therapy session with her where I finally said, "yes, I'm ready to do the cord cutting ritual" and we said we'd schedule it sometime soon, that he had sent that email during that session. Before that therapy session, I had made a video for my new tarot channel about The Magician card and The Emperor and why I had confused the two, how they were similar but different - and I used to have The Magician card as his card, standing in a three card holder placement. The video published after the therapy session when I was finished time stamping it and all that stuff. Just the timing of it all. But I had felt him approaching. I've described it as if his energy was him riding a dark horse across fields, over vast distances with mountains, the fantasy figure like in a video game such as 'Warframe' - that is what it would feel like when I felt him heading back toward me - but I did not realize it would be that very night. I mention out loud that I'm ready to do the cord cutting and he appears in my Inbox after around 2 months of silence and no contact. It could be a coincidence or he may have been watching, seeing me get closer to someone else online, or maybe his own intuition or maybe my energy pulling back to myself. He wanted to communicate through PSN. He added me on there. He then wanted to have a call over party chat. After, he added me as a close friend. It was slightly upsetting since when I had been his, he wouldn't do that the last few times, punishing me, and so this seemed a lot for him to be doing. The suggestion of playing a game like Warframe together (which I could have benefited from his help on there for sure, given that he was the one who suggested that game to me in the first place) but I felt that I should delay until after I'd spoken with my therapist, so I sent that message, delaying playing together. I didn't message him anything else. I didn't talk about how I felt during the previous months or anything that had happened. I didn't say that hurting me on February 5th was deeply damaging for me. This parting of ways was because we had plans to spend some personal time together the following day but he cancelled on me (again) and he didn't take well my reaction to that and did what he does.

04 May 2025, cherry blossoms of last year.

There must be some kind of alchemy in that date for me now, some strength behind it that draws lines for me, that says I won't be mistreated, some power behind it, placed there by my grief or by the love I felt for my dad or maybe it's a "the ancestors have spoken" energy to it but all I know is, for the second year in a row, that was the ending for me. Not so simple to close that cycle - it would still take more out of me - but it was the start. Did he hurt me on that day on purpose so that I would end it? I don't know. Whatever the reason, someone who loves me would not want to add to my hurt on that day in such an offhanded cruel way.

When he returned, I was already feeling so much for someone new - someone new who had been there for some time, just only now more significant because of the time and presence they were giving of themselves through February and onward. By April, I was just wondering what was going on that he wasn't making a move because clearly we both were feeling things to be watching movies and acting like teenagers all over Speranza. The timing of things was that as he was getting closer to saying something, my ex had returned and things were a bit strange for a few days. There was the pause for the ex of saying I wouldn't play Warframe until after I'd spoken with my therapist. This was me biding time, trying to figure out what I was going to do. I'd felt nauseous when he and I spoke over party chat - before, during and after - a feeling I never had before as usually I'd just be so relieved and excited that he'd return and connect with me again. This time, it felt different. It wasn't just because of my growing feelings for someone else. It was because I couldn't stomach the hurt that was done in February. Writing those words out, I think of my dad's hands over his stomach, through the body bag.

Yeah.

But see, I've not learned boundaries very well. Childhood trauma and all sorts of reasons. I've learned from my therapist and it's been reiterated to me by someone else who knows, that boundaries are for one's self - but making one was not some easy offhand thing I could do. I still felt deeply for the person. I was torn up about it. I finally decided to write one message. I wasn't going to wait until speaking with the therapist because I already knew what I had to do and I was just delaying it. That I needed to do this for myself and for any future with someone who would know how to not cast aside someone they care for and that I had to do this sooner rather than later because it was stressing me out.

On April 15th, at 2:42am, I sent this:

"Thank you for the time we shared - intermittently - over the past year.

Unfortunately, February 5th was the final wound and though it may be difficult for me, I have confirmed with my soul that I cannot re-enter the cyclic pattern.

Even though only a suggestion of friendship or shared time of video gameplay has been made, I feel that it would only inevitably lead to the same repetitive outcome.

I am choosing not to abandon myself.

be well,

amber dawn."

cherry blossoms at Trinity-Bellwoods Park on Queen Street West, 04 May 2025. Toronto, ON, Canada.

He messaged after that, tried to get a PSN party chat call in - oh, he knows that would have softened me - and then later he sent a thank you message that referred to how he's learned and mentioned a new relationship that he's in which he didn't mention in our previous call where he said I sounded sexy but hey, that's okay, I hadn't said a word about the person I was having feelings for so what business is it of mine - but all of that shook me to my core because I had done something new for myself - I had set a boundary - a real one - and I was holding it. When I did have that next therapy session and read the words out loud, we both clapped at the "I confirmed with my soul" part. I confirmed with my soul. Not my therapist. Not a boyfriend or friend or anyone else. I confirmed with my soul. I have held the boundary since, later strengthening it by blocking him so that I assert it more firmly after he had sent the messages, but it still didn't make it easy. I'm not used to doing this. I explained to the therapist how it felt like I was abandoning some little boy --- it connects to likely my inner child - that feral girl who ran in gullies and suffered through much but still held firm to her beliefs and self - that girl was likely the one who I confirmed with, who was strong enough to set the boundary - and was the one who recognized herself in the boy she had to leave to save herself. Maybe this will help us both to grow on our separate paths.

I'll be taking the therapist up on the cord cutting ritual though.